While most are joyously celebrating “the most wonderful time of the year,” you’ll find me watching my favorite holiday horror films, adult beverage in hand. If this year hasn’t already had you audibly spout, “I need a drink,” I’m hoping this season's list of holiday-horror themed cocktails gets your jimmies jolly enough to roast over an open fire. And if you missed last year’s holiday cocktails, be sure to go check them out.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) - Ira’s Handsy Andy

There’s just something special about a toy store manager locking the door for the night, turning to their employees and gleefully exclaiming, “it’s over, time to get shitfaced!” While Mr. Sims drunkenly chats up Billy about his dead parents (oops, spoiler alert), co-worker Andy, played by actor Randy Stumpf, decides to get handsy with Pamela in the back of the store. Try Ira’s Handsy Andy if you're looking for a ‘straight’ forward stiff drink that may lead to poor decisions at the company Christmas party. (Thank Satan it’s over Zoom this year.)

Ingredients:

Lemon (1/4)
3 Ounces of J&B Blended Scotch
1 Ounce of Drambuie

Similar to a ‘Rusty Nail’, pour scotch and Drambuie into glass over ice adding a lemon twist. If you’re looking for a less traditional experience, or you only have a few minutes left on your break at the toy store, pour contents into a Styrofoam cup from the break room and sip generously.

The Gingerdead Man (2005) - Busey’s Bailey’s Gingerdead Cocktail

“Run, run, run as fast as you can. You’ll never catch me, I'm” Gary Busey reborn as a killer gingerbread man? Summoned a deranged serial killer through a negligent workplace blood ritual? Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. Ease that Belly’s Bakery holiday rush stress with a strong cocktail free of human remains. Disclaimer: made in a facility that also processes human remains.

Ingredients:

4 Ounces of Irish Cream Liqueur (Bailey’s preferred, but not mandatory)
1.5 Ounces Captain Morgan Gingerbread Rum
Whipped Cream
Nutmeg (Freshly grated preferred, ground shaker works fine)
Gingerbread Cookies

Pour choice of Irish cream with gingerbread rum and ice into a shaker. Shake vigorously. Strain over ice into a rocks glass or pour contents directly into the glass from the shaker. Top with some whipped cream and garnish with a sprinkle of nutmeg. Serve with a side of gingerbread cookies for an alcoholic take on a nostalgic holiday dessert.

Better Watch Out (2016) - Privileged Pubescent Prosecco

Whether you’re trying to impress your attractive babysitter, hosting a holiday party in your privileged neighborhood, or just an alcoholic with a sugar tooth (I’m the ladder, follow my gay ass on Twitter: @iMarrowsJ.), this fruitful treat can be enjoyed fireside, tableside, or even on a riding lawn mower towing an ex-boyfriend via makeshift noose. So, throw her phone in the fish tank and try to convince her that you’re the one through inexperienced non-consensual breast groping. (Obviously, please don’t. Consent is key.) Holding onto that last bit of childlike wonder, this Dole Whip inspired mimosa style beverage is served in a sugar rimmed champagne flute. Privileged Pubescent Prosecco: indulge what little is left of your innocence...and dignity.

Ingredients:

Sugar
Pineapple Wedge(s)
Pineapple Juice
Coconut Milk (not canned, you peasant)
Prosecco and/or Champagne
Whipped Topping

Run pineapple wedges around the rims of champagne flutes, then dip into a shallow bowl of sugar coating them generously. In a separate glass stir three parts pineapple juice with one part coconut milk. Pour the mixture into flutes filling about half of the glass and top it off with your favorite prosecco or champagne. Garnish with whipped topping and a fresh cut pineapple wedge.

Red Christmas (2016) - Jerry’s Shakespearean Spritzer

“There’s no trust, no faith, no honesty in men.” Jerry spitting Shakespearean truths, and, although his mother asked for eggnog, I’m sure Jerry would much rather prepare a spritzer with his favorite sister, Ginny. A priest, a pregnant woman, and a dysfunctional family unit sit awkwardly in a living room “glad everyone could be together this year.” Seriously, how many worldviews can come from one family tree? While Dad spikes the eggnog and gets crossfaded on the front porch, join in on the classic family holiday banter preceding an axe murdering orphan just trying to get a letter to his mother on Christmas day.

Ingredients:

2 Ounces of Cranberry Juice
2 Ounces of Orange Juice
1.5 Ounces of Club Soda
1.5 Ounces of Vodka (any will do, well is fine)
Splash of Grenadine
Splash of Lemon Juice

Recipe calls for 1.5 ounces of vodka, but you deserve a double, don’t you? Pour desired amount of vodka over ice in your most festive highball glass followed by cranberry and orange juice. I recommend adding a splash of grenadine and lemon before topping off this cocktail with club soda. Garnish with a sprig of rosemary and a couple fresh cranberries for that Festivus feel all your holiday house guests expect.

Mercy Christmas (2017) - Michael’s Milky White Eggnog

“Is that eggnog? I love eggnog.” We do too, Cindy. Imagine, after spending your favorite, and the most wonderful time of the year alone season after season someone finally catches your eye. They’re into Christmas and most importantly, they’re into you…but maybe with an extra side cranberry sauce. Whether you are thick (go off queen!) or like it thick, make your eggnog a little frothier this holiday season and be the dish everyone can’t stop raving about. (We don’t condone cannibalism, but playful nibbling under the mistletoe is encouraged.)

Ingredients:

White Chocolate Chips
Sugar Cookies (Crushed)
2 Cups Vanilla Ice Cream
1 1/2 Cups Eggnog
1/3 Cup Bourbon or Rum
1/4 Teaspoon Nutmeg (Freshly Grated)
Whipped Cream
Caramel Sauce

Melt white chocolate chips in a microwave safe bowl for thirty seconds. Dip the rims of a few glasses (mason jar recommended, but not mandatory) into the melted chocolate and sprinkle with crushed sugar cookies. Add rainbow sprinkles if desired. Set aside to dry. Blend vanilla ice cream, eggnog, and bourbon (or rum) on medium low, slowly adding freshly grated nutmeg. Drizzle caramel on the inside of the mason jar followed by the delectably boozy eggnog mixture. Top with whipped cream and caramel drizzle.

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