[Rainbow Christmas 2020] More Christmas Monsters, Please

We need to talk about something that’s been bothering me for a while, and I can’t think of a better time than right now. In a time when representation is finally coming to the forefront, I’m deeply bothered because someone has been hogging the limelight.

Quite honestly, the Krampus has been riding such a high celebrity status that all the other anti-Clauses are left without voices.

Don’t get me wrong, the Krampus is great, but so are all the other Yuletime monsters. It’s my Christmas wish that filmmakers will raise up these baddies and give us some unique new takes on Christmas horror. Allow me to take a minute to celebrate those other fine creatures and offer a few humble cinematic suggestions.

Peruehty in Kingdom of Bohemia. 1910

FRAU PERCHTA, THE CHRISTMAS WITCH

Picture the scene on screen: a spoiled brat refuses to do his chores, so a gnarly hag descends on him, tears open his belly, and stuffs straw and rocks inside, because that’s a thing. Before she leaves, she stops at his sister’s door. She’s sleeping inside. Is Perchta going to kill her, too? Perchta’s magic opens the door and she sweeps inside. She pulls out one of the child’s little shoes, and then she… places a piece of silver inside and leaves to dispense brutal, gory punishment on more naughty children.

In 2017, Mother Krampus came out, which is based on Frau Perchta, but the title alone proves my point that the Krampus has an unjust monopoly on anti-Clauses. The Christmas Witch is NOT Mother Krampus, she’s Frau fuckin’ Perchta. Oh, and I didn’t even mention that she can turn herself into a beautiful blonde, so you can have a fake-out scene, like when the Lady in Lavender turns out to be the Tall Man in Phantasm. That’s horror gold right there.

BELSNICKEL

Now picture this one: some jackass teens think it’s funny to party in an Amish barn and accidentally burn it down. That doesn’t sit right for Belsnickel, a bearded old man in heavy furs who carries a whip to enact vengeance. Cut to eighty minutes of slasher fun as a character actor in furs gets in a few one-liners with a questionable French accent. I’d go with Jeffrey Combs. Bonus if they cast Lambert Wilson as the French historian.

HANS TRAPP

You start with a terrifying backstory scene setting up the sinister Trapp. Imagine John Wayne Gacy, only Trapp’s a Frenchman from the olden times who the Catholic’s banished so he dressed like a scarecrow to lure children into his clutches. God was like, “Um, that’s real messed up, Hans Trapp, so… LIGHTNING BOLT!” and killed him. Flash ahead to modern times and the ghost of Hans Trapp returns in scarecrow cosplay to fuck shit up. Picture a woodland Jason Voorhees with a scythe and a scarecrow motif. Fun, right?

PERE FOUETTARD

If the French know one thing, it’s how to prepare a meal. Only the butcher known as “Father Whipper” liked to use children meat in his dishes. Santa caught him killing kids and resurrected the dead, but he was so impressed with Pere Fouettard that he was like, “How about I employ you to punish the kids I don’t care for?” Apparently Pere Noel can’t bring himself to be seen as the bad guy, so he pays a violent sociopath to fill in that role. 

GRYLA

The Norwegian winter is lorded over by Gryla, an evil giantess who lives in the mountains and eats people, particularly children. Just imagine a Midsommar-like flick with American tourists running afoul of a supernatural woman thirty feet tall – and she’s hungry! I’d cast Gwendoline Christie because what can’t she do? 

From Iceland.is

THE YULE LADS

If you thought Gryla was cool, just wait for the sequel, in which her thirteen troll sons seek vengeance for their mother’s death. Each has his own backstory, name, and character traits (think Bowser and his seven Koopa Kids, only there’s thirteen!), which means sequels galore. You get a Yule Lad, you get a Yule Lad, and you get a Yule Lad! You could even go the extra mile and assure Swedish accuracy and familial casting by snagging Stellan Skarsgard’s brood. How great would it be to get Alexander, Bill, Gustaf, Valter, Samuel, and all the others playing wicked Yule Lads?

Design by Frosty Knows Best. Website

JOLAKOTTURINN, THE YULE CAT

Can you say spin-off? Because it turns out Gryla has a wicked cat named Jolakotturinn. He’s a huge, vicious cat who eats people. And not just dead owners when he’s trapped in an apartment with them and no one knows to check on them. Jolakotturinn eats the living. And also, he’s kind of into fashion, so let’s get a fun, queer voice actor like Eddie Izzard, Andrew Rannells, or Victor Garber. Or how about James Adomian doing a Vincent Price impression? Or James Adomian doing Alan Rickman? Or James Adomian doing Eddie Izzard. The point is I love James Adomian. 

ZWARTE PIETE

Black face is never okay, so why not go back to the origins of Sinterklaas’s Dutch sidekick Zwarte Piete when he started as a nameless demon? That way you get more traditional and avoid racism? Simple win-win. What I appreciate about this anti-Claus is that he doesn’t hurt bad children, but he leaves sticks behind as a threat that he could whip or beat them with the sticks. It’s a very passive aggressive, “Be good ’cause next year I could lose my shit and you wouldn’t like that…” But again, and I cannot stress this enough, no black face.

From wikipeida, sourced from Αναγνωστικό 4ης Δημοτικού

THE KALLIKANTZAROI

Greek gremlins! They live under the ground until December, then its run amuck time. What’s not to love there? You want to make a Gremlins rip-off? Just use the Kallikantzaroi, but be sure to get a Greek voice actor. I bet John Stamos would do it. He can do anything. And don’t forget to cast Nia Vardalos as the final girl’s mom.