RECAP

After Gary chides Tucker and Stig for trying to turn the Midnight Society meeting into a picnic, Betty Ann arrives, miffed that her mom wants her to get a makeover. She then tells a story about how looks can be deceiving and, sometimes, mirrors lie.

A young girl runs through the woods and is accosted by a hooded figure. She screams bloody murder and then...howls? Later, Laurel drags her friend Cindy to the beauty shop where she works. Another employee has recently gone missing and Laurel wants Cindy to apply for the open position. After suffering through the endless eyerolls of snotty Vicky, another beauty shop employee, Cindy meets the owner, Ms. Valenti, who agrees to hire her and gives her a makeover. After they close the shop, Laurel plans to leave for a date but realizes Vicky still has the watch she wanted to wear. Laurel and Cindy head to Ms. Valenti’s house, since they know Vicky will be there, checking out some new fashions.

At the house, Ms. Valenti hypnotizes Vicky with a mirror and then poisons her. When Laurel and Cindy arrive, Ms. Valenti lies and tells them Vicky never showed up. Clever Cindy, however, spots the watch that Vicky was wearing and asks to use the bathroom. She creeps around the house, looking for clues, and eventually realizes that Ms. Valenti is an elderly witch who uses magic to maintain her youthful appearance. By the time Cindy realizes this, Laurel has already drunk the poison. She and Cindy try to run, but Laurel transforms into a dog. Ms. Valenti begins a ritual, which involves cutting out the tongues of three dogs who used to be beautiful young women. Cindy saves the day by smashing Ms. Valenti’s mirror.

Tucker asks Betty Ann if she’s a beauty or a beast and she says neither -- she’s just herself, with or without makeup. Gary relents and lets Tucker and Stig roast hotdogs for the whole crew.

REVIEW

T: Gary won’t let Tucker and Stig eat hotdogs but he’s fine with Betty Ann sharing red juice for “Nightly Neighbors” and the whole gang eating hotdogs to celebrate Frank’s one-year anniversary? I need to see these bylaws at this point.

E: Such inconsistency! Maybe Gary’s just in a bad mood because he misses Frank.

T: Sam slaps Stig’s hand away from Betty Ann’s bag. As awful as Stig is, I’m glad that the girls don’t just take his shit.

E: I so appreciate that on a show that aired in the ’90s, the girls set boundaries and aren’t portrayed as hysterical bitches for it.

T: Elysian Beauty Store – this is going to be another weirdo Betty Ann story! “Elysian” is basically a classic, literary word for “heavenly.” Betty Ann’s well read and she knows her shit.

E: I’m sure many a kid pulled out a dictionary after watching this ep.

T: The spooky opening “kill” is so out of place with the rest of the episode until the last couple of minutes. I assume since it’s so much build-up, they wanted to throw in some suspense early on.

E: I think it works. It’s kind of like a well-placed prologue for a slow burn novel. Maybe not as impressive as Drew Barrymore’s death in Scream, but it gives us a nice little taste of what’s to come.

T: I bitch about actors being too old for their roles a lot. Not really in relation to AYAOTD? but in general. Well, this episode goes the other way. Andrea Liu who plays Vicki, was only TWELVE when she shot this. She looks like she’s seventeen.

E: OMG whaaaaaaat? That is… wow. She does not look or act like a typical twelve-year-old girl, but that’s such a strange age.

T: Characters call each other Zeebos! I’ll never get tired of Zeebo the Clown references. Never. Especially because Tucker, Sam, and Stig have to be sitting there going, “Um, what the Hell is a Zeeb?” and Gary and Kiki are slow nodding to each other with huge grins.

E: Haaaaaaa! That’s weirdly never occurred to me, but you’re totally right. It becomes an in-group reference that’s only for the old-school members of the Midnight Society.

T: Stig: Tucker, you been here for years, what’s the deal with Zeebo? Tucker: They won’t tell me! lol

E: You just know Sam is too afraid to admit she has no idea who Zeebo is.

T: The whole opening reads very true to me of teens working after school jobs. They’re excited to be “adult”-like while still getting free swag from the store.

E: I’m not sure I got swag at any of my jobs, but sure. I guess that’s a theoretical perk in some cases. I definitely got a heavy “girls working at the mall” vibe even though the beauty store isn’t in a mall. It must be Vicky’s needless snottiness. Hey, Vicky, where’s Ms. Valenti? How the fuck should I know, I’m not her keeper, kay? Amazing. But, like, Laurel’s outfit? Is it just me or is she dressed like a first grade teacher?

T: She does have a teachery-ly vibe. Maybe because she’s explaining everything to Cindy. And for the record, I never got swag at my job either, because I worked at a bank and if I took anything, I’d go to a federal prison.

E: I worked on a dinner boat and will admit I stole an occasional slice of Oreo pie out of the walk-in freezer. Free pie should’ve been a perk!

T: We get another female villain in Ms. Valenti! AYAOTD? was sorely lacking in female baddies, so I appreciate when we get them. That said, she makes my skin crawl whenever she calls tween girls “beauties.” Is this a case of the baddie being too effective?

E: It is, indeed, hella creepy, but as someone who was once a tween girl, I find it weirdly relatable? There are definitely older women who “collect” girls because they like being looked up to, and they tend to call them by pet names. I can think of at least two or three friends’ moms or older babysitters from that time in my life who called us sweethearts or gal pals or pretty things. None of those are quite as creepy as beauties, but pretty things is close.

T: Miss Valenti’s line about “Diamond in the rough” makes me think she’s based on Jafar? They do have a dark magic connection, but I don’t see much else. Well besides they’re both into dudes.

E: LOLOLOLOL. I mean, do we actually KNOW Ms. Valenti’s into dudes? It seems like she wants to use the power of her looks to get what she wants from them, but that doesn’t mean she’s actually attracted to them.

T: True, she could be a lipstick lesbian. Although that would make her fawning over her pretties even more messed up.

E: Truth. Let’s not imply that she’s grooming them for anything more than tongue sacrifices.

T: I’m surprised Kiki doesn’t interrupt saying, “Uh, Betty Ann, pretty sure I told this story four years ago, and I called it The Tale of the Captured Souls…” Is it just a different take on “The Picture of Dorian Gray?” Ms. Valenti’s portraits aging has that vibe, and she’s so youth/beauty obsessed like Dorian.

E: You’re one-hundred percent right. Plotwise, I guess the only major difference is Ms. Valenti isn’t gradually sucking the energy of her employees the way Creepy Pete did to his guests. Instead, she just needs their tongues once they’ve transformed into dogs. Nifty! But I guess the Dorian Gray trope is so tried and true that there’s room for more than one take on it, right? This particular take has more direct social commentary on femininity and beauty, but we’ll get to that.

T: Everything about the beauty shop is so flipping creepy. Is Miss Valenti the most obvious killer in history? She’s been running this shop for a hundred years and keeps killing her tween girl employees? No one’s like, “Well, the eighteenth girl to work at the Elysian Beauty Store just mysteriously vanished, should we question the shopowner, you know the one who keeps making obvious hints about being immortal and evil?”

E: This is where the plot falls apart for me a little. When Laurel said her grandmother shopped there, I was like, “Was Ms. Valenti running the shop back then or was it Ms. Valenti’s mother who mysteriously looks exactly like Ms. Valenti??” And if she’d successfully de-tongued all three of her employees and left them as dogs, you’re telling me no one in the town would’ve batted an eye? People in the real world indeed get away with terrible things, but Ms. Valenti’s hundred year murder streak seems implausible to me.

T: Laurel needs her watch back because she’s going on a date with Ron! Ron Oliver’s not involved in this episode, but the production still loves including him.

E: Yassss! So funny. But can I just say I found Vicky’s reaction so absurd? When someone asks for something back, you give it to them. You don’t say, “But you said I could have it for a week.” Like, what??? It’s not YOURS, bitch! I would only buy this if Laurel and Vicky were siblings and everything they owned was purchased by their rich parents.

T: Vicki’s poisoning and her shaky POV is super intense. Is this episode secretly really good?

E: Secretly!? Implausible killing streaks aside, there’s so much I like about this one. There are some genuinely scary moments and the ritual Ms. Valenti has planned is downright terrifying. Not only do you get transformed into a dog, you’re going to have your tongue cut out!!! Holy forking shirtballs!

T: I say secretly because I watched this to take notes and the negatives of the episode really nagged at me. I rewatched it to figure out my weekly fan art and all the horror aspects clicked into place.

E: Well, huzzah.

T: I can’t stand Valenti – put some lipstick on, really? Is she toxic masculinity in a little black dress?

E: Haaaaaa! Good god, Troyson, I need that embroidered on a throw pillow. But kind of? I have more thoughts on this, but I’m saving them for the QUEER OR NOT section.

T: This episode has such a shift from the vibrant store to the creepy old house in the woods for the rest of it.

E: I really love the house. It’s not a gothic mansion -- it’s homey. Inviting. It’s creepiness reveals itself slowly in the form of portraits of Ms. Valenti from various decades and the fact that she’s hella vain but has no mirror in her bathroom.

T: I like Cindy showing more attitude when she’s alone in the bathroom. “Looking pale? Gimme a break.” I just wish she’d shown more spunk before. She’s very passive until the story needs her to be active, but she does make the turn work.

E: She does, and the fact that her spunk emerges only when she’s alone is also really relatable. Most girls are trained not to be outwardly aggressive or even assertive with each other.

T: Laurel’s turned into a fucking dog?! WHAT THE FUCK?

E: Her dog form is so cute though!

T: I’m marveling at how complicated this is and how much is shoved into such a short run time. Damn. Though I am disappointed that anytime there’s a female villain, she’s a witch. Like why can’t Zeebo be a girl clown or a renegade virus be female?

E: That’s a fair critique. Though I love witch tropes, I’d like to see a female villain who dips outside that zone.

T: Valenti’s face aging/dying is a very solid effect. It’s not the show’s best effect ever, but it holds up really well.

E: For a second, when her nose melts off, she goes full Voldemort. Also, I love Cindy’s “save the day” line -- “What I want...is my friend back!” It’s a pretty bold statement of resistance and sisterhood.

T: The story’s over and Gary lets the boys roast hotdogs, and everyone else loves it. Way to not be a total dictator, Gare.

E: Maybe he finally realized that Frank loves hotdogs and would want it that way.

QUEER OR NOT?

T: I don’t read a queer take in this one, partly because the girls talk about guys, but it’s ripe for a feminist take. As a cis dude, I’d like to take a step back and hear your thoughts, Erin?

E: Awww, thanks Troyson. Above, you asked if Ms. Valenti was toxic masculinity in a little black dress, which is a brilliant and hilarious observation. Ms. Valenti is a great example of an older woman internalizing the male gaze. But, as often happens in real life, she takes it even further, imposing an impossible, narrow, and arguably racist beauty standard on her young employees, telling them that their power lies in the extent to which they can achieve that standard. I LOVE the way in which Cindy ultimately rejects that power in favor of the power of sisterhood, and I’d argue that it’s a teeny bit queer because it most certainly falls on Adrienne Rich’s lesbian continuum.

This episode also has a lot to say about our culture’s obsession with youth and the extent to which that obsession becomes entangled with beauty standards. As much as she draws from witch tropes, this obsession has essentially turned Ms. Valenti into a youth/beauty vampire, right? It speaks pretty deeply to the way in which the cycle of female oppression replicates itself from generation to generation.

All that said, I have one complaint about the very ’90s way in which all this social commentary is framed. Betty Ann comes SO CLOSE to approaching all this in a healthy way when she says she doesn’t like the idea of changing your looks to fit someone else’s idea of what beauty is. Buuuut then she immediately goes down the “people care too much about looks” road. Her sentiment and the episode as a whole create this false dichotomy between women who care about the way they look and women who don’t. It’s the idea that, in order to reject Western beauty standards, you have to stop caring about how you look. I bought into that same idea through most of high school. It wasn’t until I went to college and met some proud queer women that I realized it’s possible to take pride in the way you look and cultivate your style without conforming to Western beauty standards, and that it’s also possible to do so without rolling your eyes at women who *like* things like lipstick and high heels. Because, once you broaden your idea of beauty, you realize there’s nothing inherently wrong with those things.

TRIVIA, USELESS TRIVIA

T: Laurel is played by Laura Bertram, who played Amanda in the classic episode “Lonely Ghost” and returned for the revival series last year in a fun cameo. It’s neat seeing her go from nerd to cool girl here.

E: She’s wearing her confidence on her first grade teacher sleeves!

T: Old Valenti is played by Babs Gadois, who played one of the hags in “Watcher’s Woods.” Also, they reused the cages from “Watcher’s Woods” in the finale.

E: Ooooooh! What a fun little connection!

T: When Cindy goes through Miss Valenti’s bathroom cabinet, you can see the potion from “Dark Dragon.”

E: Love it! Given the content of that episode, that’s a pretty meaningful reference. “Mystical Mirror” is almost the feminine counterpoint to Keith’s attempts to reach a masculine, cool-guy ideal in “Dark Dragon.”

T: So Tannis is an old English female variant of Tanner. BUT in Rosemary’s Baby, the Satanist’s feed Mia Farrow Tannis Root to prepare her to give birth to the Anti-Christ. Tannis Root is fictional, and is used as a clue because it’s a scrambled up homophone of Satan. With this being a witch episode, I have to assume Tannis’ name is a reference to Rosemary’s Baby.

E: Fascinating!

MODERNIZE ’90s CANADIAN KIDS

T: Miss Valenti genuinely unnerves me, but I can’t say “make the villain less of a creep” so I’m not sure what I’d do to modernize this one. Kids have after school jobs and witches can be creeps. I defer to your creative mind, Erin.

E: A denim Blossom hat would not be a believable “new” fashion from Europe so, given the focus on beauty here, all of that would need an update. I also think we need to fix the gigantic century-long killing spree plot hole. Maybe Ms. Valenti is new in town and just opened her shop? I’d buy that she opens a shop for a few years, kills her young employees, and then changes her name and moves on.

JUST GIVE IT A NUMERICAL RATING ALREADY

T: If it’s not clear by now, I don’t know what to make of this episode. I can’t tell if I hate it or if it’s really good. It’s a little slow, and there’s some stuff we’ve already seen (like “Captured Souls”), but it also puts some spins on the material. All the kid actors are great, and there’s some really effective camera work and effects.

E: Plot holes and ’90s feminist dichtomies aside, I really like this one. The actual horror elements are even more on point than Ms. Valenti’s lipstick. The acting and special effects aren’t mind blowing, but they’re totally solid, and the ’90s fashions are hilarious. Plus there are clever references to past episodes! I’m going to go with a solid 9 OUT OF 10 CAMPFIRES.

T: This one that certainly benefits from a close reading of. The more we discuss it, the more I find the “diamond in the rough” aspects. 8.7 OUT OF 10 CAMPFIRES.

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