EXT — CAMP REDWOOD — NIGHT

TERRY careens through the woods, holding his wounded shoulder. His hair is slick with blood and he looks wild-eyed and on the verge of collapse.

TERRY
Joe?! Where are you?

Terry backs up against a tree to catch his breath and then slowly moves around it, until he bumps into a SHADOW and unleashes an unsightly scream.

TERRY

Well, I don’t know about you Nikki, but I hope our friends above make it out of whatever predicament they found themselves in. Thank you for hopping on here to talk about AHS: 1984 in Joe’s absence. I was feeling pretty lonely up in here. For our fellow readers, Nikki has been my best friend since high school *mutters inaudibly how many years ago* and I always think the following GIF sums up our friendship:

I’ll let you decide who’s who.

SPEAKING of stabbing, it’s now 1985 and our oddest of Odd Couples The Night Stalker/Richard (Zach Villa) and Mr. Jingles/Benjamin (John Carroll Lynch) are having a typical argument. I imagine it’s the same kind of situation Felix and Oscar got into. Jingles does not like living in filth. The Night Stalker wishes Jingles would enjoy murdering people more. That old chestnut.

But Benjamin figures out a way to turn The Night Stalker in, when he sees a newspaper article emblazoned with Richard’s face. He quietly hands it to a lady outside the grocery store where Richard is getting beer and a Tab. When he exits, Richard gets surrounded, chased and beaten into submission while Benjamin hightails it up to Alaska, REO Speedwagon blasting from his car speakers.

We’re not given a moment to breathe as we’re transported to 1989 with Montana (Billie Lourd) on the dock, doing what she does best: killing passerbys while Xavier (Cody Fern) watches on with amusement. The Ghosts of Redwood Past (i.e., 1970), meanwhile, reek of boredom. “So gauche. Aren’t you bored of this by now?” One asks.

Then we’re taken to an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous where we see the good Christian woman Margaret Booth (Leslie Grossman), new beehive hairstyle in tow, making a killing. She's buying up murder houses and turning them into tourist spots. She already owns the John Wayne Gacy house, The Lizzie Borden House, Charles Manson’s Spahn Ranch...and in a subtle blink-and-you-miss-it nod to AHS: Asylum: Briarcliff Manor.

Oh and she’s hate fucking Baby Elephant Trunk (Matthew Morrison), who somehow survived getting stabbed by Mariah like Margaret. In a weird twist of blackmail fate, he ends up married to her. He wanted a Sugar Mama; she wanted Spousal Privilege so he can’t testify against her. A marriage made in 1980s heaven, folks.

I have to say, Nikki, after the break-neck pace of the first half, I actually kind of dug this episode. I’ve been one step away from having my own hate fucking session this season, but the fact this episode slowed down and focused a bit more on characters worked for me. What did you think? Do you like the new, pissed off Brooke (Emma Roberts)? Does Margaret’s music festival plan have you wanting to be dancing with yourself? Most importantly...what’s up with Leslie Jordan’s bodacious wig?

EXT — CAMP REDWOOD — NIGHT

The shadow turns out to be NIKKI, who’s holding an axe and looks calm and poised. The exact opposite of Terry, who clutches his chest.

TERRY
Nikki! You scared the shit out of me.
Have you seen Joe?

NIKKI
I thought he was with you!

NIKKI

I hope our friends do manage to escape from where they are too! You are most welcome I can’t have you feeling lonely up here. *Cues the Rob Thomas song Lonely No More* And for as long as we’ve known each other it’s been a minute or two *winks* That gif is absolutely our friendship summed up very nicely!

For the record, I’m totally the stabby friend!

But on to the episode! Terry, it’s so funny you refer to Richard and Jingle as the odd couple because that was the very first thing I wrote down. They totally are this crazy weird odd couple...and it just somehow works? I love it. I also loved the way the producers used music to show more of their personalities. Richard loves Billy Idol and when they are in the car it’s extremely fitting that Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” is playing.

When Richard goes into the store, Benjamin has had enough of his shit, tosses in a new tape and REO Speedwagon comes blasting. Then in the most 80’s mic drop moment ever, Benjamin drives by, sees Richard getting his ass beat by this angry mob, sips his Tab and drives off into the sunset.

If I’m ever getting a beat down by an angry mob, there had better be an 80s power ballad playing or I’m going to be so pissed!

Terry, I’m so sorry I really wanted to like this episode. I really did. I actually had high expectations because it is the 100th(!) episode of AHS and any show that can make it to 100 or more episodes has obviously done something right...but I just felt like I wanted more. I really liked last week’s “Red Dawn,” so I may have set my expectations a little high. Some of it really worked for me, but I wanted more...because I’m greedy and stabby.

On the positive side, I like that we got to see more of the characters and how the events of the season affected them. We see that Ray (DeRon Horton) was a good guy who made some bad choices...okay, really bad choices. But Ghost Ray is a pretty okay dude who is tired of cleaning up after people. Can you blame him, though? Meanwhile, Montana and Xaiver are living their best afterlives ever. They have absolutely zero fucks to give and it’s great!

Okay, let’s talk about the hairpiece in the room. When Leslie Jordan entered, I squealed, “BEVERLEY LESLIE!” That wig is both terrifying and amazing at the same time. If I’m being perfectly honest I’m living for it! His character Courtney is such a joy to watch and he makes the perfect assistant for Margaret and her booming real estate business. I feel like we would be the people she is trying to attract to these murder houses. I’d go eat ice cream at John Wayne Gacy’s house.

Well...as long as he wasn’t dressed like a clown.

I hate to admit it, but I would totally go to Margaret’s music fest. I wouldn’t be dancing with myself. I’d be dancing with mine and everyone’s favorite crazy night stalker. If he got out of line, I’d have a nice power ballad keyed up in my sony walkman just in case an emergency mob beat down is needed.

I’m living for this new pissed off Brooke. I thought her last words and her spitting at the glass was the best! The way Margaret jumped was great! I can’t wait to see what pissed off Brooke has in store for us for the rest of the season!

On the lines of pissed off people, I’ll throw it back to you, Terry, as we discuss Benjamin/Donald/Jingles. Here’s a guy who lost everything once, went off to Alaska changed his name worked at Videoshack, became a family guy, had it all...and then lost it again. How do you feel about family man Jingles? How do you think pissed off Jingles is going to play out the rest of the season? Will Richard finally get to see Billy Idol? Will Mr. Shuester ever shave that thing off his face? Are we getting a new buddy cop movie with Not Rita and Pissed off Brooke?

EXT — CAMP REDWOOD — NIGHT

Terry shakes his head and turn to look back into the pitch black forest.

Terry
He must still be out there. With…

Nikki strokes the bloodied blade of her axe.

Nikki
(finishing his statement)
The killer…

TERRY

Well, at least we know we won’t be dancing with the same serial killer, Nikki. Maybe Tate Langdon can get a reprieve from his murder house to party at Margarets for the weekend? Wow, that got dark quick. What is it with the sexualization of serial killers, anyway? I’m curious to know who the girl called Red (Yvonne Zima) is. She shows up to talk with Richard and shows him the music festival pamphlet. Will she be along for the murderous ride?

All season, I’ve been complaining that the writers haven’t been utilizing Emma Roberts appropriately. I’m all for actors wanting to stretch those acting muscles and not get typecast as playing the deadpan, sarcastic biatch. But what we got was so incredibly milquetoast that I was bored. This episode tries to show us the point of her being so meek, as we see Brooke pivot and lean into the type of character we’re used to seeing Emma play. She also gets the best exchange in AHS history:

Brooke: “I gutted that bitch from the inside out. And now she’s in Hell, licking Satan’s balls!”
Richard: “She should be so lucky!”

Nikki...I died. I laughed so hard at that moment. That’s exactly the kind of hilarity I’ve been missing from this season. And this episode gave me so many funny moments like that.

I’m going to do my own character pivot and talk about Donald née Mr. Jingles née Benjamin. I laughed at their Typical Romantic Story plot: She was a prostitute. He was a murderer. They saved each other. But Richard told him that the Devil gets his due and while I’m uncertain about the timeline and who did what to whom, Donald coming home to find his butchered wife was both obviously going to happen but also still sad. I do wish they could have devoted a bit more time to his time in Alaska so that the moment hit a bit harder.

What I liked most about this episode is that it somehow found a way to pull all of these disparate characters back together. Back at the camp we got to see Chet (Gus Kenworthy) try, so hard, to emote his anger: “That bitch needs to die.” But poor Gus. He’s just not an actor...but he does try. The mustache on Baby Elephant Trunk’s face just does more emoting than Gus ever could.

I’m curious to see how all of these threads will come together in the next few episodes. So I’ll toss it back to you, Nikki. We barely talked about the Resurrection of Brooke and her upcoming buddy comedy with Not Rita. What do you expect to see in the next few episodes?

EXT — CAMP REDWOOD — NIGHT

Terry turns back and, for the first time, notices the axe.

TERRY
Good idea. Keep that with you as protection.

A RUSTLING in the woods grabs both of their attention and they tense up.

NIKKI

Why do we sexualize serial killers...Five little words my friend...Zac Effron as Ted Bundy.

When Brooke and Richard had their banter about Satan’s balls I almost peed myself laughing. That was such a great scene and it let Emma lean into that bitchy character we all know and love without her being too over the top. It was just enough to make me laugh and take back a few of the things I had said about her in previous episodes.

Quick question about her rebirth...when did Not Rita find time to learn how to be a fake executioner? What kind of jacked up schooling did she go to and, more importantly, why am I not in that program? Why did I think communications/journalism was the way to go?

MISSED OPPORTUNITY!

I digress. This isn’t about the roads I didn’t take, it’s about what we are hoping to see in the next few episodes. If I’m being perfectly honest I think we are leading up to an epic (I hope) bloodbath. The characters all have no fucks to give--Montana I’m looking at you, girl! I’m also looking forward to seeing this new buddy comedy with Not Rita and Brooke. I’m hoping for some more ballads as they head off on their wacky adventures. I’m thinking Pat Benatar or Joan Jett realness.

I also really want Margaret to die. Violently. Preferably by Brooke or Mr. Shuester, er, Baby Elephant Trunk. I know Chet, you pretty, pretty thing, want her dead so bad...but hasn’t Baby Elephant Trunk earned that right? What if this all goes down at the music festival and it turns out that Billy Idol is who Richard has been praying to this entire time? I’m not sure where I think Red fits in with all of this...Oh! What if she’s Satan? If Alanis Morissette can be God, I think Red could be Satan. It’s 2019...I mean 1989!

Regardless, it’s going to be an interesting ride (or die!) for sure!

Next week…we’ll learn what’s hiding in the dark woods in our mini-story. Oh and we will recap “The Lady in White”! In the meantime, here’s a trailer to tide you over.