I’ve watched The Munsters, The Munsters Today, and the cancelled-too-soon Mockingbird Lane…but until this week, The Munsters’ Scary Little Christmas was a blind spot in my Munsterverse viewing.

With Christmas around the corner, it was the perfect time to check out this entry. With yet another cast portraying the creepy family, coupled with the fact that it is a made-for-TV film, I really wasn’t expecting much.

Boy, was I surprised.

Transylvanian transplant Eddie Munster is having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit in sunny California. The rest of the clan rallies together to make his yuletide gay with parties, presents, home décor and a bit of magic. However, when Grandpa takes a break from conjuring Christmas to partake in his homemade mind-altering potions, he sabotages Santa’s schedule, putting the holiday in jeopardy not just for their little wolfboy, but for all children across the globe, human and werewolf alike.

I was impressed with the fifth incarnation of Herman Munster, Sam McMurray. A busy actor, he has been in numerous movies and TV shows, but I first knew him as a regular on The Tracy Ullman Show. Fun fact: in keeping with the spooky family theme, he played Wednesday Addams’ nemesis’s father, Dan Buckman, in Addams Family Values. He channels Herman’s childlike wonder in an ode to, yet not an impersonation of, Fred Gwynne when he jumps up and down, giddy with excitement while meeting the real Santa Claus. He has no clue why people keep screaming and running in fear when he opens the door to Christmas carolers, or reveals his naked reanimated junk to a figure drawing class, and is oblivious that the customer on the other end of a telemarketing call is trying to get him to talk dirty. Well, Herman DID tell her he is into discipline...

But who needs anonymous phone sex when you share a bed with Lily Munster?

Ann Magnuson is effortlessly lovely as Lily. Sexy and cool (as Lily should be) she’s actually pretty cool in real life: in addition to acting (most recently on The Man in the High Castle) she’s a performance artist and singer in the rock band, “Bongwater.”

Bug Hall (Alfafa in The Little Rascals movie) gives a genuine performance as a somber Eddie Munster, Elaine Hendrix (The Parent Trap) plays the so-beautiful-she makes-me-feel-like-a-troll Marilyn, and character actor Sandy Baron plays Grandpa, Eastern Europe’s preeminent alchemist and kinkiest of all the Munsters.

You heard me: Grandpa Munster is a kinky old hornball.

He perks up at the mere mention of thumb screws and tells Herman, “don’t knock a little pitchfork poking until you’ve tried it!” He may also have a foot fetish; he forgets to remove the feet from the stockings (before hanging them) and makes mistletoe out of actual toes (from an ill-fated interior decorator). When summoning Santa, he utters, “give me the big one from the Pole!” Innuendo? Perhaps, but wait—there’s more!

One of his ideas for creating a more festive atmosphere is to make it snow over their new home in this warmer climate. Of course, he can make it snow anywhere, and offers to make it snow in Herman’s pants. YOU HEARD ME. Herman even repeats it back, in case you missed the joke. Thankfully, Herman turns down his father-in-law’s offer to “make it snow” in his pants. This is, after all a family film. But is it? Well, it played on ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas (originally airing on Fox in 1996), so…

A common plot in Santa-centric films is the threat of St. Nick not being able to deliver presents on time: his sleigh breaks down, there’s a thick fog, etc. In this case, it’s because his helpers would rather help themselves to a night of bar-hopping and scantily-clad ladies.

No, Grandpa isn’t the horniest character in this Christmas tale; that honor goes to Lefty and Larry, two disgruntled, overworked elves. (Fun fact: Lefty, Arturo Gil, and Larry, Ed Gale, had previously teamed up to play “Station” in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. Excellent!) Tired of maintaining Santa’s sleigh, they are in desperate need of a vacation. They dream of, and I quote, “rubbing lotion on supermodels. Surgically-enhanced supermodels,” and seeing “mud-caked bikini models” wrestling at a local establishment.

They ultimately end up at the (mostly-male, but yeah, there are a few women) leather bar “Hog Heaven.” Their plans for fun are foiled when they run into Herman, Marilyn and Eddie (I guess this is an all-ages leather bar that also happens to have elf tossing on Thursday nights). Marilyn and Eddie go as-is, but for some reason (the viewers’ benefit and/or the filmmakers’ amusement) Herman requires a change of costume into a leather motorcycle jacket, studded boots and a teeny leather cap. Oh, and Marilyn’s new boyfriend’s band happens to be playing a gig there.

Of course the boyfriend is horny, too--all the guys in town are. Men can’t help but lose all control when they notice Marilyn walking down the street in her 1990s figure-hugging dress. A series of accidents occur in her wake: the chimney sweep falls off his ladder, the mailman walks into a pole, and her future boyfriend crashes his motorcycle.

After Hog Heaven, a bunch of bikers end up coming to the Munsters’ home to help save Christmas, because, of course. We see a big burly dude sit on Santa’s lap. Now, Santa complained of the weight earlier when husky Herman sat on his lap, but he seems to be having a grand time whispering with this guy.

The grand finale (spoiler alert!) is when these men stand in for the missing reindeer by wearing “a magic harness” to make them fly, connecting all of them together in a row at the front of Santa’s sleigh. Ho, ho, ho! On Rocko, on Knuckles, on Slammer, on Zero, on Chopper on Bomber and Bammer! Bomber and Bammer even have bits in their mouths. What was their motivation for helping Santa? One exclaims, “Santa promised me a choo-choo.” Innocent? Perhaps. But when the sexual term for a line of men having sex is uttered by a man in a long line of men bound together by red, patent leather harnesses and gags, I’m assuming he isn’t talking about a remote controlled Lionel train set.

One of the reasons I checked out this film in the first place was the fact that Mary Woronov was in it. She plays Mrs. Dimwitty, a Mrs. Kravitz meets Mrs. Deagle mash-up: a mean, nosey next-door-neighbor and reigning Christmas decorating champion of Mockingbird Heights. A fun, yet ridiculous role, which at one point lands her in a large spiderweb, part of the Munsters’ fabulous holiday decor. (Technically, there is a sex position called “the spider web” but I feel like I’m grasping at straws here; I’ll take this one at face value.)

Her character is actually not horny, as far as I can tell. However, when she gets into a tussle with a sentient fruitcake, she ends up with white liquid dripping down her face. Under normal circumstances, I’d let that pass too, but I’m sure the filmmakers were thinking of a different type of party (one that begins with a “B”) with that gooey imagery, rather than a Christmas luncheon.

No surprise that in the end, Christmas is saved. All the children get their presents, and Eddie gets his Marquis de Sade playset. Complete with a rack that features “stretch-o-matic action.” Hooray!

I’ve been a horror fan since birth. I was allowed to watch whatever films I pleased, and I’m thankful for that, because it made me the creepy cool weirdo I am today. I had a Freddy glove and a Chucky doll, so I see no problem with letting your kids have horror-themed toys. But those guys just killed fictional people. I’m all for freedom in parenting, but Herman, would it hurt to do at least a little research? The Marquis was a real person; “sadism,” a term for sexual cruelty, was named after him. He imprisoned and physically and sexually abused prostitutes and prisoners, sometimes while his wife watched. He wrote about his exploits in 120 Days of Sodom, available wherever fine books are sold. I can only assume Eddie will be getting a copy for his birthday.

Whom do we have to thank for this holiday classic? The script is by Edward Ferrara and Kevin Murphy. Ferrara is a former wrestler/writer/booker/commentator for WFW and WCW. Murphy has written for numerous programs, including Desperate Housewives and Battlestar Galactica, as well as the musicals Reefer Madness and Heathers. It was directed by Ian Emes, an Oscar-nominated director and artist, and an animator for Pink Floyd. Quite an eclectic crew!

Sure, the Munsters were sexually groundbreaking as one of the first couples on TV to share a bed, but other than that, they were pretty family friendly. So how did this happen?

I blame their altogether ooky rivals, the Addams Family. They got a bit naughty and snuck a blow job scene into Addams Family Values a few years prior (Debbie and Fester). The inappropriate-monster-family gauntlet had been thrown, and the Munsters were up to the creepy (and I mean creepy) challenge. I went into this thinking I’d be disappointed; however, I was entertained as well as appalled. Check it out for yourself (available on VOD) and get into the naughty holiday spirit.

And remember this Christmas Eve, don’t just put out cookies for Santa…be sure to leave a special treat for his hardworking leather daddies.