If there ever was a top 10 list of the pieces of pop culture that were most influential to me through the life that I’ve lived so far, Buffy the Vampire Slayer would be at #1. The show came at a time of self-discovery, and it was a literal “how to” guide for me through those ages. Back then, it was mostly the literal moments that I caught on to.

Now I’m able to go back and watch episodes and discover totally new meanings in the shenanigans that went down in Sunnydale, California. A lot of those meanings are created by an overly analytical and emotional mind, but they resonate. The majority of these analyses stake me straight through the heart.

For Rainbow Christmas, I will talk about one of those resonating stakes which was thrust into my heart by the season 3 Christmas episode, “Amends.” Fair warning, spoilers will sprinkle the article like tinsel sprinkled on a Christmas tree.

“I don’t want to make you feel bad.
I just want to show you who you are.”

“Amends” is centered on Angel, who, as the Christmas holiday approaches, is tormented by evil apparitions that want him to eliminate Buffy. Throughout the episode, Angel is haunted with dreams of the people he murdered over the years as Angelus and ultimately decides to destroy himself rather than kill Buffy.

Here’s the key to understanding this episode’s themes…and no, that’s not Dawn “The Key” Summers. Little Sister isn’t here yet.

1) Angel represents the LGBTQ+ individual suffering with their sexuality at the words of “righteous” individuals.

2) Buffy represents the sexuality that is fighting to be understood, internally.

3) The Big Bad of “Amends” is The First. And the First represents…well, it represents the bigotry coating religions that shun any aspect of homosexuality.

This bigotry has led many LGTBQ+ individuals down paths they should never be forced to take. Individuals of certain religions have always placed homosexuality in the realm of one of the utmost sins. It’s used so often it’s surprising it hasn’t been snuck in as an Eleventh Commandment.

Their source for the eleventh commandment would be that “famed” Bible verse from Leiviticus…written by a man according to ridiculous—and probably not even relating to homosexuality—laws that may or may not have been in place at the time. You know, the one that kikis about how a man shouldn’t lie with another man like he lies with a woman for it is “an abomination”?

This sort of imaginary itinerary for “cleanliness” is exactly what The First uses against Angel. It spouts off possible truths via real life scenarios in order to drive Angel to do what he has to do to become a soulless vampire, again. Among those “truths,” it wriggles in that Angel must destroy Buffy, the love of his life, in the process.

Angel loses his soul and becomes that soulless vampire—Angelus—by having a moment of true happiness. The last time that it happened, he had sex with Buffy and, through his orgasm, true happiness occurred.

Goodbye happy juices. Goodbye soul.

Confronting homosexuality in such an intense manner in hopes of destroying any sense of its existence is a task that is unruly placed upon LGTBQ+ individuals, usually by religious standards. Growing up in a religious household, I am all too familiar with this.

I was made to go to church on Sunday mornings and evenings and Wednesday evenings. I went to a Christian high school where we had chapel every Wednesday in addition to a daily Bible class. I can’t tell you how many demerits I received for walking out of chapel multiple times due to the hate being spewed in the pulpit.

The majority of those times were out of confusion and fear because I knew what I felt…but I was being told that what I felt would send me straight to Hell. As I watched Angel run away from The First with the same confusion and fear...I saw my teenage struggle on screen.

There’s a moment during a spew of lies from The First where it tells Angel in the guise of one of his previous victims: “I don’t want to make you feel bad. I just want to show you who you are.” That line slapped me so hard in the face. This is what the preachers and church elders were basically saying when they were in the pulpit. They created fear in hopes of erasing any idea of a different sexuality so that the “true” sense would show through.

“Am I worth saving? Am I a righteous [person]?
The world wants me gone.”

But why should Angel alter who he is? What will The First gain from Angel losing the biggest part of who he is? The answer is that if he were to lose his soul and become Angelus then that would give The First the pride of having the claim of bringing about the rampant destruction that Angelus would create. It’s an obvious metaphor for those who want to “pray the gay away.” Those who try to change the sexuality of an individual actually believe they have the LGBTQ’s best interests at heart. And through the same type of manipulation, lies and despicable fearmongering that The First used, they get that same sense of pride to take with them to those pearly gates.

The First doesn’t succeed at its goal. At least, not in the goal that it was heading towards. What it does succeed at is Angel finding an alternative to giving up his soul; an alternative that is all too familiar within the LGTBQ+ community. The First leads Angel to not lose his soul, but instead, to walk into the sunrise, and lose himself forever.

Buffy finds him just as the sun begins to rise, and she fights with all that she has to get him to change his mind. “Am I worth saving? Am I a righteous [person]? The world wants me gone,” Angel’s broken spirit fights back.

The First led Angel to this moment just as bigotry and hate leads to this moment. It’s a path that no one should be forced on. Instead of damnation and ridicule, all a person needs is to be heard and understood. That is exactly who Buffy is for Angel.

“Strong is fighting. It’s hard, and it’s painful.
And it’s every day. It’s what we have to do.
And we can do it together…”

It’s my wish that everyone who is in a situation akin to Angel realize that they aren’t who they are being made out to be. There is always someone out there who will champion the person you are instead of creating a world that is unsafe to exist in.

The end of the episode sees snow falling in Sunnydale, California; a place where snow never falls. This random act, combined with Buffy’s words, brings Angel to a place of acceptance. The First isn’t defeated (hello, season 7), but it does realize that acceptance is a much more powerful essence than the gross, unruly slime that it used against Angel.

For all my struggling LGBTQ+ friends, take Buffy’s words to Angel to heart. If you are in this sort of situation, stay strong. Fight. Know The Firsts out there, and recognize that they can not and will not take away who you are.

Find a Buffy. We’re out there.