[Pride 2021 Short Story] Dissonant

The world doesn’t line up like it’s supposed to. Lights don’t match with their source wire’s emit their heat from. Words don’t follow the movement their mouth’s make. Most frustratingly, Sage’s reflection doesn’t align with his face.

He presses the pads of fingers into the sockets of his eyes, mapping them out again. His hands tell him that his sockets are wide, the mirror tells him narrow. He feels along the bridge of his nose, feeling where the cartilage was broken in second grade. In the mirror his nose looks straight enough to be shown by a plastic surgeon to a patient. In the reflection his lips are too thin, his cheeks too filled, his hair too straight, his Adam’s apple too bulbous, his shoulders too small.

Photos tell their own lies, completely separate from the mirror. When he posed for the camera next to his mother on Easter Sunday, his broken nose was broken in two places instead of one. The picture of Sage next to his uncle’s casket showed that his lips were plump enough to be injected with filler. The Polaroid of him at his high school graduation showed him with shoulders large enough to belong to a weight lifter.

“Sage? Honey, we're going to be late.”

He turns to face his mother in the doorway, his reflection moves before his body does.

“Do I look okay?”

He wonders what version of him she sees as she looks him over. “Silly goose, you forgot to tie your tie. Do that in the car, alright?”

He does after buckling his seat belt. He follows the movements of a four in a hand, the same way his uncle taught him before Sage went to prom.

Sage closes his eyes, trying to quell the anxiety that’s been rising in him all day. The car feels too fast for only going 30 miles per hour. Every stop feels like his mom is stomping on the break. He opens his eyes, looking at the speedometer. The needle on the gauge stays perfectly at the 30 mark the entire ride. Sage feels the car slow down, stop, and pick back up in speed, but the needle stays still.

“How long has the speedometer been broken?”

“Oh! I got it fixed last week, I couldn’t trust myself to drive without it.”

“Oh.”

He doesn’t get any more rest. The needle finally closes to the zero when they pull into the parking lot.

Sage’s mom gives him an encouraging smile. “Silly goose, you forgot to tie your tie. Do that before you get inside, alright?”

He… He did that already, didn’t he? He brings his hands to the knot around his throat, a perfectly mediocre but definitely tied Windsor.

“Can you tie it for me mom?”

She smiles at him, taking the two ends. He watches the fabric dance in her hands as if he couldn’t feel it securely resting in his shirt collar. “There you go darling. Good luck in there!”

He nods, exiting the car.

The road is normal. The sun stings his eyes, but is normal. The air is humid and normal. The doors leading inside are normal. The fluorescent lights make Sage’s head hurt, still normal. The tile flooring is mismatched. Probably a style choice. Probably normal.

“How can I help you?” The woman at the front desk is too loud for being all the way across the room. Not normal.

“I’m here for an interview?”

“Right! He’ll be right in here. Though…” The woman leans across the front desk, her voice hushed like she was telling a secret, “Your tie is untied.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

He rips it off and dumps it into the trash can before heading into the office.

“It’s lovely to meet you Sage, have a seat.”

Sage didn’t introduce himself yet. Did the man tell him his name? Maybe he was just looking at his application before he got inside. Right, that had to be it.

“Let's start simple. Describe yourself to me.”

“My name is Sage, I-” he… he what? He enjoyed things? He did things? It didn’t really matter anyways, whatever he did would change within seconds or weeks depending on whatever force was driving his life. His only constants were that “I-”

“I love your tie, son!”

Sage’s heart froze. Feeling along his shirt collar, he found the fabric tied into place. “Thank you?”

“Tell me about yourself.”

“I’m Sage. I live with my mom down the road, she…” The room was too loud. Why did they decide to interview in a room with an event going on? No, no that wasn’t right. They were in the man’s office earlier. The man he is talking to, his name is.

“Thank you, son, we’ll give you a call in the morning to let you know our decision.”

It’s over? No that can’t be right, they just started. Sage gives the man a shaky nod, and stands up. “Thank you for your time.”

“Certainly! We look forward to having you join us on Friday.”

“Thank you.” He writes the day into his phone’s calendar. He’ll have his first day in the office at 8am on Friday. The man told him so after giving him the job offer. The job offer was after Sage asked the man about his name. His name was-

“You need a ride home, son? I saw your bike outside and that certainly can’t be a comfortable ride in a full suit. It’s nearly 90 out!”

“I can manage, thank you Mr. Armani.”

Sage leaves before another word can leave his boss's mouth. Things were fine. Sage didn’t want to give Mr. Armani the chance to change his mind or change anything else. He passes the woman at the front desk, and goes into his car in the parking lot.

His phone rings before he starts the car. “Hey mom, good news I got the job!”

PLEASE CONSIDER DONATING TO
THE GAYLY HELPFUL FUNDRAISER FOR THE TRANSGENDER LAW CENTER