[FrightFest 2020 Review] There's No Such Thing as Vampires Should Have Been Gayer

There’s No Such Thing as Vampires begins on a propulsive note as 80s-style electronica, pulsating and constantly churning in the background, sets the pace of the film at a breakneck speed before we even see a single thing. It’s evocative of the go-for-broke storytelling that propels the narrative along for the first act. Written by Aric Cushing and Logan Thomas (who also directs and composed the music), the narrative gleefully borrows liberally from the history of the cinematic vampire. It’s also a film that aggressively attempts to upend some genre status quos and while it gets a bit tripped up with an underwhelming and saggy middle section, it mostly comes together as a fun, low budget amiable horror-comedy…

…that could have been a queer camp classic.

But back to that thumping opening. Darkly-lit highways cut by headlights and spinning tires, the film opens at 100 mph with a car chase in the pitch black of night. All we know is that Joshua (Josh Plasse) is on the run, his sporty car trying desperately to stay ahead of a much larger RV with “Champion” emblazoned in front. He pulls up to a movie theater and we’re told it’s October 30th, 11:54 PM as the shirtless, cute and ripped Joshua bursts out of his car and into the theater.

On screen for the night is Nosferatu, of course, and while Joshua plays a poor game of cat-and-mouse with his cloaked pursuer, he at least looks good doing it. After standing in front of the screen, yelling at the jeering crowd that “he’ll kill you all! Run!” he does just that, hopping back into his car and the chase is on again. 

Somewhere down the road, Ariel (Emma Holzer) is on her way to visit a couple of college friends when she gets in a minor accident with Joshua’s fleeing car. But there’s no time to explain, the bloodstained young man screams, a the still shirtless hottie jumps into her driver’s seat and yells at her to get in. Initially annoyed and upset with the situation, she quickly sees the RV barreling down on them with no signs of stopping, so she hops into the passenger seat and they’re off again. 

What initially works really well with There’s No Such Thing as Vampires is the mix of relatively no exposition and the propulsive, late night car chase. It lends the film an explosive pace that just asks you to hold on and not question anything, like why Joshua looks like he just ran off of a gay-for pay porn shoot or why there’s cloaked figure chasing after him. It’s a little messy and DIY, but some of the callbacks to Near Dark and even Scream 2’s opening felt like loving homages to the genre and kept my interest.

The fun continues as Joshua and Ariel are forced to make a brief daytime detour to a dilapidated church where they’re greeted by a woman who flaps her arms and “caws” at them and a nun played by Meg Foster. Foster doesn’t so much chew the scenery as she devours it with a deliciously hammy performance as Sister Frank, a character that feels a step or two away from the schlock Italian nuns of the 70s. Her campy performance and the frequently shirtless Joshua made me feel like I was watching a film with some queer sensibilities and I was thrilled to see where it’d go next.

Unfortunately, the fast-paced zaniness comes to a crashing stop once they meet Ariel’s two friends David (WIll Haden) and Peter (Scott Lindley), two friends I spent a good amount of time trying to figure out if they were in a relationship or not. Between David dropping horror movie trivia and Peter’s spaced out performance, the middle section loses the pacing that initially drew me in. Luckily, the action eventually picks back up and while it doesn’t meet the same intensity and sense of wide-eyed fun in the first act, it still manages to entertain while setting up a potential sequel that I wouldn’t mind seeing. 

There’s No Such Thing as Vampires gave me good vibes throughout the first half of the film and I was really digging the low-budget, DIY feel because you could tell everyone involved was having a good time. I even really dug the vampire design that felt like an intriguing mix of Count Orlok meets The Night Flier by way of Ivan Ooze from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie...and I mean that as a compliment. Again, it added a layer of camp that the film seemed slightly interested in exploring.

Emma Holzer gives Ariel a plucky, no-nonsense vibe that immediately won me over and the film does something intriguing with Joshua’s character. In any other movie, he would be the hero, with his good looks and washboard abs. But the movie continues to sexualize him the way the female character would typically be. He has a dopey kind of charm, like an earnest puppy you want to protect...and he actually becomes the de facto damsel in distress to Ariel’s more pragmatic and strong-willed heroine. 

My biggest problem is that the film plays like the gayest straight film I’ve seen in a long time. From the way the camera lovingly lingers on Joshua’s beefcake body to Meg Foster’s hammy performance, there’s a playful queer edge to the film that I wish were explored a little more. I don’t like to review a movie for what it isn’t, but here it’s a little hard because while there’s nothing inherently queer about the characters, there’s so many moments where it feels like it should have been a queer camp classic.

Maybe it’s because I grew up watching David DeCoteau’s series of increasingly homoerotic horror films that straddled the line between being marketed for young women and really being for a gay audience. There’s No Such Thing as Vampires similarly skirts that line and the best way I can describe it is through one particularly scene. At one point, Joshua sits on the edge of a pool, the light of the moon reflecting off the water on his perfect physique while Ariel asks if he wants to come in the water. He smiles and shakes his head no and I feel like this scene perfectly reflects the movie straddling that camp divide; unable or unwilling to dip its toes in the nice, cool water. There’s No Such Thing as Vampires, like Joshua, is right there on the edge. I just want to give it a little nudge.

The water’s nice. I promise.