Each week Joe (@bstolemyremote) and Terry (@gaylydreadful) discus the most recent episode of FX’s American Horror Story, alternating between our respective sites -- queerhorrormovies.com and gaylydreadful.com.

Episode 9.09 “Final Girl”: Camp Redwood draws in a lost soul looking for closure.

TERRY

Well, Joe. It only took 30 years but the best part of AHS 1984 finally happened. No, I’m not talking about the end of the season relieving us from purgatory; I’m talking about Finn Fucking Wittrock. I’ve never been super attracted to him in previous seasons outside of his nice derriere, but god damn. He is a hunkadude this episode and I’m here for it. Those piercing eyes. That Taylor Lautner-circa-Twilight hair. That chiseled chin.

Can we just spend the next 1,000 words chatting about Finn Wittrock? No? Fiiiiiiiine.

It’s 2019 and Bobby Richter (Finn “Smolder” Wittrock) finally shows up to find his father. He moves through the camp and, outside of a little wear and tear, the festival grounds don’t really look much different. It’s surprising that no one has cleaned it up in 30 years...but moving on...because Bobby runs into Montana (Billie Lourde).

“Everyone you see here is likely to kill you,” she tells him and carts him back to one of the cabins where he continues to be confused when Trevor (Matthew Morrison) shows up, his big…“personality” in tow. In a hilarious little bit, Bobby doesn’t believe they’re dead so Montana shoots herself with Bobby’s pistol and Trevor slashes his own throat.

“It’s a long story,” they tell him as we’re transported back to 1989. Margaret (Leslie Grossman) had a plan to massacre everyone, but Trevor put a stop to it by blocking off traffic with Kajagoogoo’s tour bus and telling people various lies about the festival being canceled. Courtney (Leslie Jordan) regretfully tells her this right before she calls him the worst assistant and blows his brains out.

Then she drives to Trevor, shoots him in the knee, the gut and finally the dick. And since he’s on the other side of the camp property line, dead will be dead. As she leaves him, Montana shows up and screams for him to crawl back. Brooke (Emma Roberts) shows up and Montana delivers the best line of the evening, “don’t you dare take away the best dick that ever happened to me.”

At least she knows the only thing he’s good for.

Brooke actually helps him across the line, he dies in Montana’s arms and the simple act changes Montana forever. No more massacres for her...well, of living people, at least.

Okay, so Joe. Here’s the thing. I didn’t hate this episode? It’s incredibly anti-climactic, after trying to build up a giant free-for-all battle royale over the previous couple episodes. But 1984 kind of side-stepped the terrible endings that AHS has been known for and was actually interesting to me...mostly. Adding Bobby to the mix adds a layer of sentimentality that borders on cheese towards the end, but it also kind of adds some thematic depth that the season has been sorely lacking.

I do feel that by trying to reframe this season as a redemptive arc for Mr. Jingles (John Carroll Lynch) is kind of a cop-out, given how little he’s been the focus outside of like one centerpiece episode. But I’m getting ahead of myself. How did you like this finale to this mostly boring mess of a season? Were you surprised by the Final Girl reveals? Are you as enamored with Finn as I was? And what the hell is up with Chet (Gus Kenworthy) macking on Bertie (Tara Karsian), letting Ramirez (Zach Villa) regenerate? YOU HAD ONE JOB, CHET!

JOE

We are firmly on the same page, Terry! “Final Girl” feels like the first legitimately solid episode of what I think is easily one of AHS’ worst seasons and it’s 100% because the episode dialed back the “no stakes” murders to tell a story with actual character development and measured pacing.

Now, is it a weird semi-retcon to make everything all about the battle to save Bobby Richter and give Jingles a happy ending? Yes, absolutely. But that actually makes this final all the more impressive to me; we spend the majority of the runtime focusing on a character that we have literally only seen for a few minutes as a baby and yet, in just 44 minutes Finn HotMcBuns is able to craft a fully realized character with a compelling emotional arc. Like, I cared whether Bobby survived his multiple close-calls at the deserted Camp Redwood.

I’m actually super relieved that this ending wasn’t just a bloodbath at the concert. After the clusterfuck of the last few episodes (basically since the time jump forward was utterly wasted on hours and hours of dumb table-setting), I was dreading the worst from this. It’s almost as though writer Crystal Liu was provided a brief spec outline of what had happened and then she jettisoned most of it to tell a simple, streamlined story instead. It’s so refreshing!

One of the episode’s most enjoyable aspects is that everyone gets a brief moment to shine. Last week I complained that Gus Kenworthy and DeRon Horton were accounted for, but sidelined (and completely silent). By virtue of its exponential time jump, “Final Girl” almost requires for the narrative to take stock of everyone and while some folks could have been given short shrift, Liu goes to great lengths to ensure all of the loose ends - and loose characters - get their due. So yes, watching Chef Bertie (Tara Karsian) put the moves on a confirmed bisexual Chet (Kenworthy) while they’re meant to be on Ramirez guard duty is stoooopid, but at least it gives both actors a bit more to do. Plus: look at AHS trying (and admittedly still mostly failing) to address ageism around issues of sexytime!

As for the Final Girl reveals…*crickets*...

I mean, I am glad in theory that both Angelica Ross’s Not Rita Donna and Emma Roberts’ Brooke survived their ordeals and came out on the other side with decent jobs and GREAT hair. Do I for one second believe that Brooke was unable to recover from her PTSD after 30 years so that she could pick up the phone? Or that either woman would look jaw-droppingly gorgeous in their late 40s/early 50s? If there’s one criticism to be lobbed at this finale, it’s the totally lazy effort made to age up its lead actresses. Wearing a shawl or baggier clothes does not connote a nearly 50 year old woman, AHS.

I’ll throw it back to you, Terry. What did you think of the ending: too saccharine or just the right amount of emotional manipulation? (The use of “The Living Years” could be the deciding factor). Were you amused that Margaret survived her Fargo-esque wood chipper death or was that one return too many? And how creative would you get with your murder options if you were forced to babysit Richard Ramirez for a 30 year stretch?

TERRY

Joe, My stream of 1984 was a bit messed up coming back from commercials so I feel like I missed a couple things. When The Chet/Bertie scene was happening, for instance, I joined right as she was telling him to experience something more mature. The other noticeable jump was when Bobby runs into Margaret, they were just talking when I started. So I think I missed the bisexual reveal.

I agree, I’m happy the show sidestepped the Festival Bloodbath to go into some more interesting directions. As you said, it was incredibly refreshing. I loved Margaret’s sendoff via the Fargo-chipper. I legit laughed at the audacity of the scene and the ingenuity of aiming it right off the camp grounds. That said, the decision to bring her back was a bit lazy; particularly after they’d already established the fact the head stays alive a bit after decapitation.

In my opinion, they should have left her bloodied mess be. I was also vaguely amused that she’s stopped at the very end by the Spirit of Mama Richter (Lily Rabe) who…is the guiding spirit of the woods? The leader of the ghosts? A nameless female deux ex machina? She authoritatively tells the ghosts to take her, which they do.

You asked about the ending and I actually did write in my notes, “Bobby escapes, turns back and sees Dad, Grandma and Uncle. They share a cheesy tearful smile and nod. And he smolders off.” I mostly enjoyed it, particularly the very sudden and powerful hug Bobby gives his father. That scene legit got me in the feels.

You mentioned how HotMcBuns was able to craft a fully realized character and this moment completely sold me. He has had more nuance and character than any of the other characters. I do think that scene could have been more emotional had it been established through the season instead of relegating it to a couple scenes in the last few episodes. In true AHS fashion, whoever’s in charge of the overarching season story didn’t seem to know who or what was the emotional through line. I’m glad writer Crystal Liu was able to give us something in that regard.

As for Ramirez…boy, what would I do. I’d personally enjoy putting him through the chipper a couple times. What about you, Joe? As we put this season through our own version of the chipper and spray the mess throughout the camp, how would you rank this season? Did the ultimately sentimental denouement strike a chord with you? And are you done with the 80s or, in the words of Montana, do you believe “the 80s will never die”?

JOE

Admittedly this hot mess didn’t sour me on the 80s entirely, but I am certainly ready to take a breather from the decade. At the end of the day, the time period for this season didn’t really add up to much, did it? I was thinking back to the early episodes when we were speculating about how the Olympics were factoring in and, in hindsight, it all just seems so laughable that we thought anyone on the show had planned more than an episode ahead. Just like the journalist who parachuted into the narrative last week to deliver a scathing critique of our obsession with serial killers and then get killed, AHS is truly loathe to adhere to the tenets of consistency or conventional plotting.

I know that for some fans this is the appeal of the series. The anthology format allows for a variety of story types and tropes, it allows Ryan Murphy’s roster of stars to rotate in and out depending on their scheduling, and it encourages mini-arcs (if we’re being generous) that can tell brief, one-off tales. It also unfortunately allows the kind of lazy storytelling that has dominated this ninth season, where more than any other season, nothing truly seems to matter, especially not logistics or character development.

This staunch refusal to play with the conventions of regular television also foregrounds quick and dirty pay-offs, some of which are pleasurable (Dylan McDermott literally gets stabbed and tossed away in a single scene, never to be seen again. I was delighted!). Others, however, feel deeply unsatisfying; exhibit A: Ramirez’s multiple deaths, which make for a splatter-y montage, but whose end hardly justifies the significant screen time the show dedicated to him. What was that ultimately for?

Overall this final episode made up a lot of goodwill lost due to a truly lackluster season, but that’s a low bar to clear. In some ways “Final Girl” reminds me of the significant time jump that AHS employed in the final episode of Asylum when an older Lana (Sarah Paulson) faced off against her rapist Dr. Thredson (Zachary Quinto) on live TV. For all of that season’s messiness (that alien abduction subplot? Ugh), I still maintain that Asylum is the series’ best by a significant margin, if only because its unusual combination of horror and character actors are grounded by its focus on inherently queer storylines. AHS has always been a trashy mess, but at least that season was *high* trash.

1984, on the other hand? Put it through the wood chipper my friend.

My ranking of the seasons:

1) Asylum
2) Apocalypse
3) Coven
4) Roanoke
5) Murder House
6) Hotel
7) Freak Show
8) 1984
9) Cult

What’s your ranking, Terry? And what say you to continuing this writing partnership for another series? I’m feeling the urge to stray away from the House of Murphy/Falchuk in favour of another notorious (controversial?) horror figure. Can I tempt you to go domestic with me, Terry?

TERRY

Joe, I dig your rankings. I, too, was absolutely enamored with Asylum. Even the UFO plot didn’t bother me. It was the perfect mix of camp, horror, social criticism and a terrifying baddie. Here’s my ranking:

1) Asylum
2) Murder House
3) Roanoke
4) Apocalypse
5) Coven
6) Freak Show
7) Cult
8) 1984
9) Hotel (The only season I completely gave up on)

There you have it, folks. Another season recapped. Another fantastic opportunity to write with some of my favorite people. But let’s throw it back your way…what’s your ranking of the AHS series?

Also…

Go domestic? Joe, I thought you’d never ask. Join us in a couple weeks as we tackle M. Night Shyamalan’s return to long form narratives with Apple TV+’s Servant!

The first three episodes of M. Night Shyamalan’s Servant debuts on Apple TV on Thursday, Nov 28, 2019. A Perfect American Thanksgiving treat!