Giving Valentine a Second Chance After 19 Years

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love…and if you’re an old spinster cat dad like me, you turn that love to film. So I decided to celebrate the holiday by giving 2001’s Valentine a second shot. I saw the movie when it came out and hated it. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. And we also change with the years. Tastes develop. The things we love don’t age well…the things we hate do.

I’ll admit it, as a kid I hated Friday the 13th Part 5, even though it was weirdly the only one I owned on VHS. I used to hate watch it. A lot. Then I didn’t give it a proper rewatch for fifteen years and realized it’s pretty fun if you get into the sleaze of it all. I may have a similar history with Halloween 3 and 8. This is what inspired me to give other movies another shot.

Did Valentine prove teen Troy right or wrong? Let’s find out.

Needless to say, heavy spoilers for a movie that came out nineteen years ago (and is free to stream of Vudu if you’re interested). Full disclosure – my feelings may be colored by the coffee/whiskey/beer I enjoyed during the viewing, but I can think of nothing more Valentines’y than drinking alone.

This is all I remembered about the movie going in: David Boreanez is the nosebleeding killer, Denise Richards is in it, and Jessica Caulfiel is in it. That’s it.

27 Thoughts I Had While Watching Valentine

1. Young Denise Richards looks uncannily like Denise Richards

2.Are there no chaperones at this weird ‘80s school dance with masks and punch bowl Carrie blood?

3. Fucking Katherine Heigl is in this?

4. Shelly has to dissect a corpse after her disastrous date. What if the date went well? Was she going to bring him to the morgue and watch her?

5. Pop-up Valentine’s Day card is pretty creepy cool.

6. The killer’s look isn’t terrible but it could be flashier.

7. Shelly hides in a body bag – way to streamline the whole process, Shelly.

8. So our slasher killer is prone to nosebleeds. Can you beat him by stressing him out so much he passes out from blood loss? What’s Jeremy’s kryptonite? Why stress, of course!

9. Turbo dating – all the men in this movie are awful.

10. David Boreanaz in an ill fitting suit as alcoholic semi-ex!

11. Enrico Colantoni is the cop! And Jason is missing?! Wait, that’s not Enrico Colantoni.

12. Aw Dorothy is fucking awesome and I want to be here when I grow up – even if she reads aloud to herself?

13. Kate has a whole scene about not having water so she gives herself a swirlie – why is she single again?

14. Maggot chocolates are deeply disturbing.

15. This does what the two Black Christmases don’t – gives us time with the ladies

16. Dead-eyed artist Max… is James Van Der Beek in WEIRD makeup?

17. Lilly shot through the heart with arrow – LOL symbolism. Also? Most. Convenient. Stairwell/dumpster. Placement. Ever.

18. Jeremy’s motive is basically Terror Train, right?

19. They spend a long ass time with Not Enrico Colantoni doing police work

20. OMFG he’s hitting on her! Gross

21. Poor Dorothy – Campbell’s impotent! Or gay?

22. Wait. He killed the maid?! What did she do?!?

23. Why does everyone go off alone in this biiiiiig mansion that’s absolutely filled with people?!

24. Paige’s murder is brutal

25. Dorothy figures out it’s Adam! She’s the best

26. Not Enrico Colantoni killed off screen? Lame. But fake severed head? ell oh ell.

27. Um, David Boreanaz gets away with it? Nice!

Overall, I had fun this go around. A lot of the shift may be expectations. At the time, I was looking forward to this quite a bit. This time around…well, the bar was set at hoping I’d at least enjoy it. It’s like if you go to a party expecting to meet a great guy but don’t. Then the party sucks. If you go in expecting nothing, then maybe you’ll consider the party a great success.

Don’t get me wrong, there are flaws aplenty. The last half is probably a good ten minutes too long. The whole ending is a bit clunky with the whole is Adam the killer or just a drunk bit, which also never explains how Kate knows his family but he’s fooled her. And Denise Richards sure is Denise Richards here. For better or for worse. Oh, and Jessica Cauffiel is woefully underused. Overall, the slasher aspect is serviceable at best. It’s never over the top enough to turn in anything iconic or truly memorable.

That said, the women are badass, the men are all awful in a mostly fun way, and it feels like Valentine’s Day. There’s cards, chocolates, and speed dating. Holiday representation, and twisting wholesome traditions, is exactly what I want in a holiday themed horror flick.

I guess the moral of the story is…this Valentine’s season, consider giving a bad relationship (to an old movie) a second shot (to the heart? -Editor)